


Hold My Breath (And Wait Until I Shake)

by like_a_heartbeat_drives_you_mad



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Established Relationship, Light Angst, M/M, Marriage Proposal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-04
Updated: 2019-11-04
Packaged: 2021-01-22 14:26:40
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,034
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21303578
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/like_a_heartbeat_drives_you_mad/pseuds/like_a_heartbeat_drives_you_mad
Summary: Buck has been planning this for some time now. He shouldn’t be so nervous. Sure, they never talked about it, but Evan knew Eddie loved him as much as he did. He knew they were already a family. This was just taking the final step.
Relationships: Evan "Buck" Buckley/Eddie Diaz
Comments: 15
Kudos: 272





	Hold My Breath (And Wait Until I Shake)

**Author's Note:**

> Title from The Cure's "Close To Me"
> 
> As always this idea got stuck in my head and next thing I know I'm writing non-stop till I saw it finished.
> 
> Again, I apologize for any mistakes, I'll revise it later.

Evan felt kind of sick. It was the good kind of sick, though -if that even existed. He just was a little nervous. And by a little he meant ready to collapse from nervousness. But he also felt really excited. He was happy, he’d been planning this for a while and everything was going according to plan. 

He had talked to Christopher first. None of this was ever going to happen if Chris wasn’t on board. He loved that kid like he was his own. If he said no, then that was it. Things were good, nothing had to change –as much as he would like them to. Evan knew that even though Chris loved him, he had also loved his mother, loved her still. The last thing Evan wanted was for Chris to feel like Buck wanted to replace her. Or like he was betraying her in some way. It was a nasty thing what happened. Just when Shannon had come back to his life, she was taken from him again. Permanently, this time. That stuff did a lot to a kid. 

Him and Chris were out getting ice-cream after school, when he gathered the courage to ask. 

“Hey Chris? Listen bud, I've been thinking about something and I want your opinion, you think you can help me?”, asked Buck trying to keep his voice steady. 

“Sure Buck!”, he replied with that always present cheerfulness that made Evan relax a bit. 

“You know how your dad and I are together, right?” he waited until Chris nodded, still smiling to continue, “well, when two people who love each other are together for a while, they usually get married,” 

“Like mom and dad did,” added Chris helpfully. 

“Yeah, just like that,” Buck carried on, “well, I'd like to ask your dad to marry me, if that’s okay with you,” he finished hesitantly, trying not to look too hopeful. 

Chrisopher seem to think about it for a few second, or minutes, who knew, Evan felt like it was hours. 

“So, what do you think, buddy?”, asked Buck, fingers fidgeting nervously. 

“Does that mean you are going to be my second dad?”, he finally asked, and for a second there, Buck didn’t know what to say. Finally, he answered, 

“Only if you want me to be.” 

“Great!” said Chris smiling, before returning all his attention to his ice-cream. 

And that was it apparently. God, what was he nervous about? The kid was the best. 

__________________________________________ 

Naturally, he told Maddie next. 

Now, even though telling Maddie wasn’t as nerve-racking as telling Chris, he was still a little hesitant about it. It’s not that he thought his sister would disapprove. It’s just that he was afraid she thought marriage wasn’t for him. Just like their parents did. They were definitely not afraid to say it to his face. How he was not meant for it. Not meant to have a family of his own. Just because he didn’t fit in their description of the perfect son. Because he didn’t think he had to pretend to be the person they wanted him to be and marry someone with more or as much money as they had. They used to say it would take a miracle for him to find someone who loved him for himself, and that he was naïve to think so. 

He grew so used to hearing those words, he started to believe them. And so, he figured if nobody would want to be with him, to marry him for who he was, then he just wouldn’t do it. Sex was all he needed. Relationships were overrated. At least that’s what he used to tell himself. Until he met Abby. And then she left him, and for a while he thought about going back to who he was before her. But that would’ve meant his parents were right. And fuck that. Thank god for his decision, or else he wouldn’t have given him and Eddie a shot. Best decision he ever made. 

He was watching a movie with Maddie one night at her house, having some sibling time together when he decided to tell her. He figured he could just rip the bandage off 

“I’m going to ask Eddie to marry me,” he said nonchalant. 

His sister turned her head towards him so quickly he worried about her getting whiplash. 

“Are you fucking with me?” Maddie said, eyes round in surprise. 

Okay, now he was really nervous. He just shook his head while looking at her. 

He wasn’t prepared for the attack. She practically tackled him to the couch in a hug and said, actually more like screamed in his ear, 

“Oh my God, Evan! I'm so happy for you!” and when she backed away, he saw there were tears in her eyes, “I’m proud of you kid” her voice was so soft, so warm, it made him want to cry, too. 

“Don’t call me kid, I'm twenty-seven, not ten” he whined. 

He watched his sister laugh while she punched him in the arm and he forgot why he had been nervous in the first place. 

____________________________________________ 

When he told the team, he felt they were more excited about it that him, if it was even possible. 

Hen told him it was about time, and come on they hadn’t been together that long, it had been a little over six months. She told him time didn’t mattered, when you knew, you knew. 

Chim just gave him a hug and said he was happy for them. 

Bobby though, after a smile and a “congratulations”, said he wanted to talk in private. That's when Buck got anxious. Was this about them working together? Because Bobby didn’t have a problem with them being together, so why would it change if they got married? 

When they got the Bobby’s office, he closed the door behind him and waited for him to talk. 

“You know Buck,” he began, “When you and Eddie first got together, I admit I was a little worried. I figured if you ever broke up, it could make things a bit complicated around here. You don’t know how glad I am that never happened. And I'm not talking about the making things complicated part. I’m talking about the breaking up part, because, kid, I don’t think I've ever seen you this happy.” he finished with a smile. 

Buck just didn’t know what to say. And before he could think of something, Bobby continued, 

“I’m really proud of you, Evan. Of the family you made for yourself.” 

He didn’t know how it happened, but suddenly he had his arms around Bobby in a crushing hug. It didn’t seem to surprise Bobby though, and he hugged back just as tight. 

“Thanks, Bobby” he said with a scratchy voice. 

And, of course, that’s when the siren rang. 

It didn’t matter though, everything that needed to be said, was said. Even if it was through a hug. 

____________________________________________ 

By the time he decided to pop the question he was actually pretty calm. If all their friends and family had taken it so well, surely Eddie would do as well. 

He decided to do it at home, just the two of them while Chris was at a sleepover. 

They were just finishing dinner, when he went for it. 

“We’ve been together for a while now”, he started. 

“We have”, Eddie replied with a bright smile. 

“And you know I love you and Chris very, very much, right?” Buck continued. 

“I do, Buck where is this going?”, he had lost his smile a little, worry making him frown. And damn it that’s not what he wanted at all. 

“I just- I just figured we could take the next step, you know? We're already living together and I feel we’re in a really good place, and I love you, okay? So,” he said with a shy smile, “what do you say? You want to marry me, Eddie?” finished Buck, taking the box from his jacket’s pocket and putting it on the table next to Eddie’s hand. 

"I don't think that's a good idea, Buck", answered Eddie frowning, as Buck felt his heart break a little, "I love you, you know I do… but marriage? That's a whole other level. I don't think we're ready for it." 

Oh, no. He was not letting go of this so easily. 

“When you say "we", don't you mean you? Because here I am, proposing, and you are the one turning me down. And I don't mind, okay? if you are not sure about it, about us, I get it. I'll wait. But don't use me as an excuse because I've never been so sure about anything in my life.” 

"That's what you think. But you don't know the kind of commitment it is." 

“Commitment? You think I'm not committed enough?” and now he was getting angry. It was one thing if Eddie thought they were going to fast or whatever, but to doubt Buck’s commitment to him, to this family, that was almost an insult. 

“No, Buck of course not, that’s not what I meant, I just-” 

“Then what is it? I don’t get it, Eddie.” 

The silence stretched for a while. Not as if Eddie didn't know what to answer, but as if he was gathering his thoughts, trying to find a way to say whatever he wanted to say. 

“When Shannon left,” he began, and oh, Buck didn’t like where this was going, “I thought it was my fault for a long time. Later, I realized we were both to blame. Because when she got pregnant, we didn’t think twice before getting married. And I knew, I could see she wasn’t ready for it. Not like she didn’t want to, I would’ve never force her to it, but I knew she wasn’t sure about it. Still, we went through with it.” He was looking at his hands instead of at Buck and it was killing him. But then he suddenly looked up, tear-filled eyes looking straight at him. 

“Shannon left me Buck. She left us. And she was my wife, Christopher's mother. And none of that mattered. When it got too much she left. No matter how much she loved me or Chris, it was too much for her. I can't go through that again Buck. Chris definitely can't go through that again.” he finished, lowering his eyes to his lap again. 

“Eddie, would you look at me, please?” asked Buck with a raspy voice. 

He waited patiently until Eddie seemed to gather the strength to. 

“I want you to look me in the eyes and tell me, do I look like I'm unsure about this? About you, or Chris?” he asked. Gripping both of Eddie’s hands with his. 

“No, but-” 

“No buts, Eddie,” he quickly interrupted, “There's no place I'd rather be, you have to believe me. If I could wake up next to you, every day, forever, I would be happy. If I could make breakfast for you and Chris, and take him to school, and give him sweets while you are not looking for the rest of my life, I would take it, no questions asked. And if I could make a promise to love you and Chris till the day I die, I would. And I can, and that’s exactly what I am doing, Eddie.” 

By now tears were falling freely down both of their eyes, and down their faces. 

“So, asshole,” Buck continues, surprising Eddie into a wet laugh, “are you, or are you not going to marry me? Because let me tell you, Chris already gave his blessing and I’m not going to be the one who tells him it’s not happening.” he said with a mocking smirk. 

“Well, in that case... we wouldn’t want to disappoint Chris, right?” he answered with a smile of his own. 

“I’m guessing that’s a yes?” 

“Yes, Evan,” he said, a soft look on his face, “that’s a yes.” 

And God, he thought while he kissed his future husband –how nice did that sound? - he was definitely making Eddie pay for making this proposal so difficult. 

Well, they had all night for Eddie to repay him.

**Author's Note:**

> "Close To Me"
> 
> I've waited hours for this  
I've made myself so sick  
I wish I'd stayed asleep today  
I never thought that this day would end  
I never thought that tonight could ever be  
This close to me
> 
> Just try to see in the dark  
Just try to make it work  
To feel the fear before you're here  
I make the shapes come much too close  
I pull my eyes out  
Hold my breath  
And wait until I shake
> 
> But if I had your faith  
Then I could make it safe and clean  
If only I was sure  
That my head on the door was a dream
> 
> Find me on tumblr I'm: golden-retriever-buck


End file.
